Aka It Wasn't as Bad as I Thought it Would Be
I've not posted with quite the same regularity that I normally would. This is because yesterday I had my telephone assessment for the Depression and Anxiety Service, and today was my first day back to work. Also I went bouldering and it was a blast!
First of all, the assessment I had was pretty thorough, and lasted about an hour. My fingers hurt by the end of it, but I'm glad that I got to explain a bit of background and get the ball rolling on treatment. I tried my best not to rattle off everything that had gone wrong, or what made me anxious, or to bad mouth my ex too much, but all in all I got to provide enough information to give my supporter a rough idea of where I was coming from. I had to answer two questionnaires - one on depression and the other for anxiety. On the depression one I scored 8 out of something - mild symptoms and in line with the general population so not one to be concerned about. For anxiety, my score was 15/21. Which is high. The term 'score' seems a bit odd to me. Do I win a prize? I suppose in a way Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a kind of prize and I start next week on Wednesday (I have my Ear Nose and Throat appointment at 9am and the CBT at 4pm so that'll be an interesting day). I'm hoping that I'll be signed up to the Silvercloud tool, which is used online at my own leisure but my supporter can also see what I'm doing and I think it's a handy way to improve on my brain situation without having to be in meetings and group sessions.
Second! Back to work which is way less exciting than back to school because my mum doesn't buy me new shoes, or a new pencil case, or a nice new backpack. I've got to make my own lunch before I head out the door. Still, my anxiety was high and my mood incredibly low when I got in. I had training this morning and I was sat there in a fug feeling incredibly blank. I was really hot, and I could hear that the person leading the training was saying things, but it wasn't going in. I wasn't thinking about anything else really, just feeling empty and not there. Thankfully I picked up a bit after my return to work meeting (and for once I didn't feel like I was being pulled in to the headmaster's office), where I got to explain everything and come up with a plan for me to get back to work - I'm being put on 6 hour shifts for the next few weeks and my manager said anytime I need a chat I can approach them. I managed to work okay, I think. I didn't really feel like myself - I wasn't that enthusiastic and when I was talking to banana buyers I still felt that I was putting on my customer service mask. Thankfully for other jobs I had to do I've memorised everything I need to say so I can rattle that off like an automaton without the banana buyers being any the wiser. I did pick up the phone and have to pause because I couldn't remember the usual script that I went with, but it came back. Like riding a bike. Muscle memory in a way - you've done it so many times that now you can just repeat it without actually using brainpower. Mainly because my brainpower is currently being used thinking about all the other stuff I've got going on. I felt like I improved a bit towards the end of the day. It was nice that I could finish early and come home, though I very nearly became a sofa potato until I made myself give a chair another coat of paint and start cooking dinner.
Finally, bouldering! I went with a colleague and had a blast. I was probably climbing for less than an hour but I really enjoyed it. My arms ache so much today, in a good way. I've done something and I'm going to get stronger! Can't wait to go again. I managed to get over my fear of heights (yes I know it's not that high up really), once I realised I could jump down pretty easily on to the floor. I need to wear thinner socks next time, my toes were so painful by the end of it. Climbing shoes be tight. My colleague was a great teacher, I think I'll need to get used to moving in climbing ways and stay close to the wall and basically co-ordinate myself to move properly. It'll come with time. There was a guy there who's on the GB team and he was pretty much doing ballet up the wall. (Pretty certain my chin hit the floor with all the gawking I was doing.) My goal is just to get to the top of a route each time I go. Also to do a pull up. I got such weak noodle arms.
To sum up, I guess these past couple of days have been rather up and down with regards to emotions. I get the feeling that I'll just be getting more and more tense the closer I get to Wednesday, so I'll have to hang on tight until then.
I've not posted with quite the same regularity that I normally would. This is because yesterday I had my telephone assessment for the Depression and Anxiety Service, and today was my first day back to work. Also I went bouldering and it was a blast!
First of all, the assessment I had was pretty thorough, and lasted about an hour. My fingers hurt by the end of it, but I'm glad that I got to explain a bit of background and get the ball rolling on treatment. I tried my best not to rattle off everything that had gone wrong, or what made me anxious, or to bad mouth my ex too much, but all in all I got to provide enough information to give my supporter a rough idea of where I was coming from. I had to answer two questionnaires - one on depression and the other for anxiety. On the depression one I scored 8 out of something - mild symptoms and in line with the general population so not one to be concerned about. For anxiety, my score was 15/21. Which is high. The term 'score' seems a bit odd to me. Do I win a prize? I suppose in a way Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a kind of prize and I start next week on Wednesday (I have my Ear Nose and Throat appointment at 9am and the CBT at 4pm so that'll be an interesting day). I'm hoping that I'll be signed up to the Silvercloud tool, which is used online at my own leisure but my supporter can also see what I'm doing and I think it's a handy way to improve on my brain situation without having to be in meetings and group sessions.
Second! Back to work which is way less exciting than back to school because my mum doesn't buy me new shoes, or a new pencil case, or a nice new backpack. I've got to make my own lunch before I head out the door. Still, my anxiety was high and my mood incredibly low when I got in. I had training this morning and I was sat there in a fug feeling incredibly blank. I was really hot, and I could hear that the person leading the training was saying things, but it wasn't going in. I wasn't thinking about anything else really, just feeling empty and not there. Thankfully I picked up a bit after my return to work meeting (and for once I didn't feel like I was being pulled in to the headmaster's office), where I got to explain everything and come up with a plan for me to get back to work - I'm being put on 6 hour shifts for the next few weeks and my manager said anytime I need a chat I can approach them. I managed to work okay, I think. I didn't really feel like myself - I wasn't that enthusiastic and when I was talking to banana buyers I still felt that I was putting on my customer service mask. Thankfully for other jobs I had to do I've memorised everything I need to say so I can rattle that off like an automaton without the banana buyers being any the wiser. I did pick up the phone and have to pause because I couldn't remember the usual script that I went with, but it came back. Like riding a bike. Muscle memory in a way - you've done it so many times that now you can just repeat it without actually using brainpower. Mainly because my brainpower is currently being used thinking about all the other stuff I've got going on. I felt like I improved a bit towards the end of the day. It was nice that I could finish early and come home, though I very nearly became a sofa potato until I made myself give a chair another coat of paint and start cooking dinner.
Finally, bouldering! I went with a colleague and had a blast. I was probably climbing for less than an hour but I really enjoyed it. My arms ache so much today, in a good way. I've done something and I'm going to get stronger! Can't wait to go again. I managed to get over my fear of heights (yes I know it's not that high up really), once I realised I could jump down pretty easily on to the floor. I need to wear thinner socks next time, my toes were so painful by the end of it. Climbing shoes be tight. My colleague was a great teacher, I think I'll need to get used to moving in climbing ways and stay close to the wall and basically co-ordinate myself to move properly. It'll come with time. There was a guy there who's on the GB team and he was pretty much doing ballet up the wall. (Pretty certain my chin hit the floor with all the gawking I was doing.) My goal is just to get to the top of a route each time I go. Also to do a pull up. I got such weak noodle arms.
To sum up, I guess these past couple of days have been rather up and down with regards to emotions. I get the feeling that I'll just be getting more and more tense the closer I get to Wednesday, so I'll have to hang on tight until then.
Hi Lyn, have a chat with Alisha and Alex, Nikki's daughter.
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