Anxiety

Aka Why Saying "Don't Worry About It" Doesn't Work

Being still is not my strong point. I'm not the kind of person that can sit on a sofa all day: I always have to be doing something. My life is a plethora of activity. Sunday is a good example. I got up, had coffee, went to a clothes sale, went to a charity shop and bought fabric, picked up some white spirit on the way home. Got home, painted a few things, varnished another, reupholstered a seat. Next thing I know it's 3pm. Made bread, cooked dinner, ate dinner, did another layer of painting, wrote a blog post, did a set of exercises from an app on my phone, had a bath, went to bed. If I am sat down with no activity I get fidgety and antsy. I have this time, I need to use it. I need to make something with it. I like reading and the odd video game but because I'm not creating something, they fall by the wayside whilst I pour my energy into arts and crafts. I enjoy doing these things - they're fun, and they're relaxing because if I'm not doing them, I'm not relaxed. I'm agitated. I fret.

The problem with always wanting to do something is that I never stop. Part of me wonders that if I always keep my time filled with activity then I don't have to stop and think. I'm not certain of what it's like to be still in my own space and I am beginning to wonder if I'm using all these activities to mask the fact that there's this issue that I need to address: stress and anxiety.

What is it then, that causes me to stress out and worry? I'm not sure where to begin. I suppose one of the biggest factors that contributes to my stress and anxiety is spiralling thoughts. These are usually when I'm heading to bed or waking up, when my brain doesn't have anything specific to focus on. I end up going through endless worse case scenarios in my head repeating over and over and my heart rate goes up and my jaw clenches and I feel myself getting angrier and angrier and not knowing what to do and then I tell myself I need to think about something else so I do and then my thoughts slip back into the original pattern and this happens again and again and again and so...I get up. After a coffee, maybe a chat with my husband about it, I begin to feel a bit more normal and that these thoughts are irrational. This happens enough that it upsets my sleep pattern - if I don't fall asleep quickly enough, or wake up too early, it drains me for the next day as I don't have the energy I need to focus on things that need actual brainpower like work rather than things that don't need much thought, like varnishing a chair. My capabilities shrink.

They don't always pop up around bedtime. Last night I was washing my hands in the pub toilets where I go each Monday for quiz night. Climate change had been a topic of conversation. How we can try to cut down on plastic usage, be conscious of packaging. Buy reusable items. Try to do a little for the planet even though I'm just one person and how much of a difference can I really make - it's the corporations and the governments and the people with money who are the ones who could make a difference but won't and they won't listen and I'm never going to be enough to make a difference and how can any of us live if deforestation continues to rise? So I dry my hands, head back downstairs, and listen to my quiz team mates thought we had Minstrels and not Galaxy Counters and they were expecting a crisp sugar shell where there wasn't one. I finish my pint and head home.

Politics does the same for me. Trump, Brexit, rise of the right-wing and hate crimes. It's another situation where I feel powerless to combat anything because again, I'm one small person in seven billion. I tend to get my news now through late-night American talk shows, because at least there's a way in which I can laugh about it. I feel as if I'm pushing against the tide. I know there are a lot of like-minded people out there like myself but there's this sense of hopelessness that means nice guys finish last. I don't know how to change this but I don't want to resign myself to accepting this is the world I now live in. So I avoid the comments sections, check the news only when I feel ready, and perhaps for once my mantra here should be that ignorance is bliss.

That's the bigger stuff, the existential stuff. There's everything day to day too. Little things that blindside you. I was peeling hardboiled eggs for a ramen dinner I'd made. Then my brain decided to showcase the moment when my ex mocked me for the way I peeled eggs. Called me a clown when I wore makeup, told me I couldn't eat cake because I'd get fat, stole money from my savings jar so he could buy beer; when he grabbed the mattress and threw me out of bed one night because I'd told him I was considering joining the army. Okay, stop. breathe. Time to get the bowls on the table and eat. I'll also have moments like these when I'll get a replay of all the negative moments I had in primary or secondary school (I'm 30) and this morning I had a replay of when I arrived at my wedding venue but the tables weren't quite how I wanted them and I was more stressed out about that this morning (over a year later, and in my bed) than I was on the actual day.

Another thing my anxiety affects are my interactions with people. I have bad phone anxiety - at university I remember getting a housemate to call the Chinese to place an order because I was too scared to do so. At work, because I use the phone so much I'm getting better, but I still have a little stab of worry when I answer it. If someone's in sick and we have to cancel a clinic, I worry about the reaction I'll get on the other end. If I have to deal with a complaint, or tell someone no, I worry about what that person is going to do. I'm always prepped for the worst case scenario. Social anxiety has improved thankfully as I'm getting to know people I work with and hang out with them more. But the initial worry about being judged or saying something monumentally stupid was still there. I'm getting more comfortable but again, I'll get the odd intrusive thought that tries to make me believe that everyone else there hates me, but I'm making better steps to proving that one wrong. Still, when I approached my manager with my sick note I was close to tears and shaking, so perhaps my work colleague anxieties still need a little more work (pun very much intended).

On top of all this: Meniere's referral and alopecia.

I have to admit, this was a difficult post to write. I was formulating it in my head yesterday, and put it off because I didn't know how I'd react to it. At the beginning, my heart was going a million miles a minute because I was making myself recall all the stuff that overwhelmed me. Now, I feel a bit more relaxed as I've managed to get it all out. My coffee's gone cold though. Perhaps stopping to think isn't the right answer. Stopping to write however, may be. I've got an appointment with the Depression and Anxiety Service next week, and I'm hopeful that they will be able to give me some constructive ways in which I can stop the spirals and start being more peaceful in my mind.