Aka Getting Better Isn't Linear
Yesterday was a bad day. I took a shower and after I was done, I hung my towel up and burst in to tears. Seeing my hair continue to go down the drain in quantities above what's normal for the amount I should be shedding is distressing. Gone was the thought of "it's just hair" and I was taken over with an all-encompassing grief that it is still falling out. Though I've not had the steroid cream long, it doesn't seem to be working. I want it to stop. I want the tingling that I've had on the right hand side of my scalp to stop. I don't want to have to wear a headscarf, I don't want to pay out for a wig. I want my hair back. I stupidly googled alopecia areata and then found out that large patches may not grow back. Patches on the side or back of the head are less likely to grow back than on the top. I don't know if what I have counts as 'large.' I tried to call the dermatology department at the hospital to see when my appointment would be - they were shut, and they're closed today too.
I know there's nothing I can do. I'm attempting to accept that. However, with a new area that is showing the same symptoms, I don't know how I'm going to end up looking, and I don't want to feel like a freak in my own skin. Well, my own hair. Well, lack of my own hair, so I guess skin was the word I was looking for. The new tingling has has been going on for a few days now, but as it took a month for the current bald patch to appear, all I can do is sit and wait. It's odd how your immune system attacking your follicles can feel oddly pleasant. While I wait, I worry. Worry turns to stress. I keep playing with my hair and gently pulling on it to see if it is coming out, but all that does is just mean I'll end up pulling my hair out anyway, so I need to keep my hands busy. It's hard. It's bloody hard staying strong, I like my hair. I like my perm, and I like my cut. I don't want that to change. I don't know how to handle being bald. I don't know what to do.
I met up with some friends down the Quay in Exeter. Although the day was pleasant and sunny, I didn't feel like I was enjoying any of it. My friends really helped to distract me and talk through a few things, and left me with some really supportive words and reminded me that I do have a really good support network and friends who really do care about me. That really helps when I'm feeling lost.
I spent the rest of yesterday sat on the sofa scrolling. I made myself exercise and stretch, even if my main incentive was to colour in a little square in my book. An incentive is an incentive, right? I didn't have any desire to work on my drawing or on the chairs I'm fixing up, so I just potatoed. Went, to bed late, woke up late, and thankfully woke up feeling better.
Today my husband and I went and met up with a couple of friends in Torquay this afternoon for a walk along the seafront. It would have been nice to stay a bit longer but we both have plans for this evening. It was great to see them, and talk about things from cars to language and a few things in between, and this blog. They both read it, yay! (Hey guys!) It's always nice to see old friends, and I think I should make more of an effort to go down and see them, especially as the summer is coming up and they live in a lovely part of Devon.
Yesterday was a bad day. I took a shower and after I was done, I hung my towel up and burst in to tears. Seeing my hair continue to go down the drain in quantities above what's normal for the amount I should be shedding is distressing. Gone was the thought of "it's just hair" and I was taken over with an all-encompassing grief that it is still falling out. Though I've not had the steroid cream long, it doesn't seem to be working. I want it to stop. I want the tingling that I've had on the right hand side of my scalp to stop. I don't want to have to wear a headscarf, I don't want to pay out for a wig. I want my hair back. I stupidly googled alopecia areata and then found out that large patches may not grow back. Patches on the side or back of the head are less likely to grow back than on the top. I don't know if what I have counts as 'large.' I tried to call the dermatology department at the hospital to see when my appointment would be - they were shut, and they're closed today too.
I know there's nothing I can do. I'm attempting to accept that. However, with a new area that is showing the same symptoms, I don't know how I'm going to end up looking, and I don't want to feel like a freak in my own skin. Well, my own hair. Well, lack of my own hair, so I guess skin was the word I was looking for. The new tingling has has been going on for a few days now, but as it took a month for the current bald patch to appear, all I can do is sit and wait. It's odd how your immune system attacking your follicles can feel oddly pleasant. While I wait, I worry. Worry turns to stress. I keep playing with my hair and gently pulling on it to see if it is coming out, but all that does is just mean I'll end up pulling my hair out anyway, so I need to keep my hands busy. It's hard. It's bloody hard staying strong, I like my hair. I like my perm, and I like my cut. I don't want that to change. I don't know how to handle being bald. I don't know what to do.
I met up with some friends down the Quay in Exeter. Although the day was pleasant and sunny, I didn't feel like I was enjoying any of it. My friends really helped to distract me and talk through a few things, and left me with some really supportive words and reminded me that I do have a really good support network and friends who really do care about me. That really helps when I'm feeling lost.
I spent the rest of yesterday sat on the sofa scrolling. I made myself exercise and stretch, even if my main incentive was to colour in a little square in my book. An incentive is an incentive, right? I didn't have any desire to work on my drawing or on the chairs I'm fixing up, so I just potatoed. Went, to bed late, woke up late, and thankfully woke up feeling better.
Today my husband and I went and met up with a couple of friends in Torquay this afternoon for a walk along the seafront. It would have been nice to stay a bit longer but we both have plans for this evening. It was great to see them, and talk about things from cars to language and a few things in between, and this blog. They both read it, yay! (Hey guys!) It's always nice to see old friends, and I think I should make more of an effort to go down and see them, especially as the summer is coming up and they live in a lovely part of Devon.
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| Isn't it gorgeous? |
I'm also borrowing a couple of books from them which should help with my anxiety - I will be flicking through them shortly and hopefully finding a few hints and tips in ways to help calm myself down in times of stress and worry, and I'll likely copy a few over to my notebook as well so I can have that on hand for reference too. It's nice to have the kinds of friends who, despite not seeing them as much as I should, want to help and give me advice on getting better.
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| Little Book of Calm reference here for Black Books fans. |
Thankfully today I have felt much much better. A good amount of sun, sea, sand and seeing people has really helped me out, and I'm off to a pub quiz tonight. Tomorrow I have my Depression and Anxiety Appointment, so we shall see how I'm feeling after that. I am going bouldering with a friend in the evening too, which I'm really looking forward to. Fingers crossed I don't damage myself further doing that. Still, onwards and upwards, and ever forwards in my quest to defeat the Sad Potato.
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