Aka Working 9 till 5...sort of
Today I had a disconnect day. This means minimal usage of social media for me, to stop doing the endless scrolling that I normally partake in on Twitter and Facebook. I got a few things done, but I mainly chilled out on the sofa working on a notebook or stuff so I can plan myself accordingly, track a few things day to day, and note down life changes I want to make (mainly on the eco side of things). In a way, I suppose being signed off is its own disconnect from work. I've got time not to worry about concerns of the day, and I get to focus my energy on myself as opposed to the working tasks at hand.
I've been composing this entry off and on in the back of my mind. There are a few things that I want to cover and I'm conscious that some of my colleagues read this blog (hello peeps). As such, I feel that I'm going to have to be careful of what I say perhaps, as I can be linked back to the company, but equally, this isn't a rant about my job, and I'm not going to name names or anything like that. I'm going to use it as a way to reflect on how work has affected my mental health, but it isn't the cause of it - the cause is my physical health and the world at large, as reflected in my previous blog posts.
To begin, let's say that I sell bananas in a large company that provides banana services as well as other various fruit supplies to the population at large, but I work in the Banana Department. When I first started working in the Banana Department, I had just come out of Wetherspoons., which was pretty much hell on earth. I had previously done some temporary weekend banana work but now I was being taken on full time. To begin with, I had so much interest in the job - I properly nerded out over it, doing my own banana research in my spare time, despite being told that it probably wasn't necessary at my level, but bananas and how they worked interested me, and I wanted to do research on them to further my understanding, and understanding the subject meant that I could be more confident in helping banana buyers get the right bananas for them.
One thing that surprises me about the hair loss from stress thing (my blood test was negative - not a thyroid problem) is that whilst I was working in Wetherspoons, I would regularly get stressed out to the point of anger, and then because I bottled it all up, there were tears. Some nights I wouldn't get to bed until about 2am, and when deliveries came at 4am in the morning, I'd be up at 3am to head to work. Now I'm on a much regular pattern - I'm up at 6:30, and usually to bed about 10pm. The work is easier, the staff more understanding, the job is interesting, varied, and can be fun on occasion, especially if you get to sit and spend some time with a banana buyer helping them go through all the different banana options available to them.
So, I like my job, it's nowhere near as stressful as the previous one I worked in, and the people are great. It surprised me then when I lost my enthusiasm and desire to work. I got to a stage where I didn't really want to be there. I'd be mopey, not look forward to having to interact with the banana buyers, not hugely conversational with my colleagues and cry at the drop of a hat (once because a banana buyer and his wife were incredibly nice to me). Thinking over this, I have come to a conclusion where it wasn't work that was making me sad, but the referral, the hair loss, the endless waiting for an appointment to show up (and worrying more about it the closer it gets), that I was suffering as a person, and that was taking a knock-on effect on my work. I was telling myself that I enjoy my job, and constantly trying to convince myself of that when I didn't feel capable of doing anything during the day, ended up feeding in to my mental health. I felt like each time I spoke to a banana buyer I had to put on this mask where I was giving the appearance that I was happy and interested in everything that I was doing and being super enthusiastic about helping banana buyers, but doing that was tiring. I felt a bit like a swan - all calm and serene on the surface but paddling furiously underneath.
I went to my doctor's three times over my mental health - at the first two appointments they offered to sign me off, and I declined. The third time I went it was offered again. After talking it through we came to the conclusion that perhaps it would be best in this instance for me to take the time to focus on myself, instead of having to focus on work each day. I feel like it has helped. To start with I felt guilty about letting the team down, or if people would think that my problems aren't enough to justify being signed off, but I'm trying to ignore that and tell myself that I need to focus on being more mentally healthy so that I can go back to work next week with that drive and enthusiasm that I've lost. Those nagging feelings about people at work are still there, but thankfully they're waning now.
One thing that links the referral (I'm still not going to call it Meniere's Disease unless it's confirmed) to work and mental health are sick days and return to work meetings. Now, the banana managers have been absolutely amazing with these and I can't fault them but each time I go off sick and I come back and have to sit in a meeting, despite the fact that I know I'm not getting told off and I'm not at risk of getting fired, I stress out about it so much. I feel like I'm back at school being taken in to the head teacher's office. I know, rationally, that is not the case. I am told and assured that the banana managers and my banana colleagues understand what is going on, and that I am not in trouble in any way, but still that anxiety is there. I guess that's irrational thinking for you.
The other thing is sick days. At the moment attacks/episodes seem to be about one a week to one a fortnight (also remember how I said I was about due? I had one - thankfully I could just flop under the duvet and attempt to sleep it off), so one day off leads to a day without pay, it leads to a return to work meeting, and it leads to added stress. I know I need to take a sick day because there is no way I'm capable of working, but doing so adds in an extra factor of worry. In order to combat this, I think I'll just have to budget accordingly if I do end up with a sick day, and as I only need one day to recover, tell myself that it is just one day. Having just over a week off is incredibly helpful for me to get my head around having days off, but Statutory Sick Pay is £94 a week before tax, so perhaps maybe having one day isn't as bad after all? Well, it's bad for the people I work with as they're a person down, but it's better than me being sick on them, or the banana buyers.
One thing that really surprised me about having time off is the fact that I expected some resentment, but instead got a ton of support. My colleagues (you guys know who you are), have been wonderful in messaging me, offering listening ears and support, checking in on me and how I'm feeling and, in one case, sending me a little pampering package in the post. I have shed tears over how nice everyone has been and I really, really can't believe how lucky I am to have a job where I've got these amazing people around me looking after me so well. The management team have been amazing too - everything from making themselves available for me to talk to them (even though I was shaking when I handed in my sign off form from the GP), sending me over to pharmacy when I was concerned about my hair to ensure that I started getting care right away, assuaging my fears during return to work meetings - all in all, I can't really ask for a better team to work with.
I'm due back to work next week. I have some trepidation about going back, but I'm hoping that I'll feel refreshed and able to get back in to it. I am concerned that I'll let life get on top of me again and I'll end up a sad mopey mess a second time, but I do have my depression and anxiety appointment the day before so hopefully they'll give me some pointers. Fingers crossed all will be okay and I can get back to selling bananas with a bit more happiness than I have been.
Today I had a disconnect day. This means minimal usage of social media for me, to stop doing the endless scrolling that I normally partake in on Twitter and Facebook. I got a few things done, but I mainly chilled out on the sofa working on a notebook or stuff so I can plan myself accordingly, track a few things day to day, and note down life changes I want to make (mainly on the eco side of things). In a way, I suppose being signed off is its own disconnect from work. I've got time not to worry about concerns of the day, and I get to focus my energy on myself as opposed to the working tasks at hand.
I've been composing this entry off and on in the back of my mind. There are a few things that I want to cover and I'm conscious that some of my colleagues read this blog (hello peeps). As such, I feel that I'm going to have to be careful of what I say perhaps, as I can be linked back to the company, but equally, this isn't a rant about my job, and I'm not going to name names or anything like that. I'm going to use it as a way to reflect on how work has affected my mental health, but it isn't the cause of it - the cause is my physical health and the world at large, as reflected in my previous blog posts.
To begin, let's say that I sell bananas in a large company that provides banana services as well as other various fruit supplies to the population at large, but I work in the Banana Department. When I first started working in the Banana Department, I had just come out of Wetherspoons., which was pretty much hell on earth. I had previously done some temporary weekend banana work but now I was being taken on full time. To begin with, I had so much interest in the job - I properly nerded out over it, doing my own banana research in my spare time, despite being told that it probably wasn't necessary at my level, but bananas and how they worked interested me, and I wanted to do research on them to further my understanding, and understanding the subject meant that I could be more confident in helping banana buyers get the right bananas for them.
One thing that surprises me about the hair loss from stress thing (my blood test was negative - not a thyroid problem) is that whilst I was working in Wetherspoons, I would regularly get stressed out to the point of anger, and then because I bottled it all up, there were tears. Some nights I wouldn't get to bed until about 2am, and when deliveries came at 4am in the morning, I'd be up at 3am to head to work. Now I'm on a much regular pattern - I'm up at 6:30, and usually to bed about 10pm. The work is easier, the staff more understanding, the job is interesting, varied, and can be fun on occasion, especially if you get to sit and spend some time with a banana buyer helping them go through all the different banana options available to them.
So, I like my job, it's nowhere near as stressful as the previous one I worked in, and the people are great. It surprised me then when I lost my enthusiasm and desire to work. I got to a stage where I didn't really want to be there. I'd be mopey, not look forward to having to interact with the banana buyers, not hugely conversational with my colleagues and cry at the drop of a hat (once because a banana buyer and his wife were incredibly nice to me). Thinking over this, I have come to a conclusion where it wasn't work that was making me sad, but the referral, the hair loss, the endless waiting for an appointment to show up (and worrying more about it the closer it gets), that I was suffering as a person, and that was taking a knock-on effect on my work. I was telling myself that I enjoy my job, and constantly trying to convince myself of that when I didn't feel capable of doing anything during the day, ended up feeding in to my mental health. I felt like each time I spoke to a banana buyer I had to put on this mask where I was giving the appearance that I was happy and interested in everything that I was doing and being super enthusiastic about helping banana buyers, but doing that was tiring. I felt a bit like a swan - all calm and serene on the surface but paddling furiously underneath.
I went to my doctor's three times over my mental health - at the first two appointments they offered to sign me off, and I declined. The third time I went it was offered again. After talking it through we came to the conclusion that perhaps it would be best in this instance for me to take the time to focus on myself, instead of having to focus on work each day. I feel like it has helped. To start with I felt guilty about letting the team down, or if people would think that my problems aren't enough to justify being signed off, but I'm trying to ignore that and tell myself that I need to focus on being more mentally healthy so that I can go back to work next week with that drive and enthusiasm that I've lost. Those nagging feelings about people at work are still there, but thankfully they're waning now.
One thing that links the referral (I'm still not going to call it Meniere's Disease unless it's confirmed) to work and mental health are sick days and return to work meetings. Now, the banana managers have been absolutely amazing with these and I can't fault them but each time I go off sick and I come back and have to sit in a meeting, despite the fact that I know I'm not getting told off and I'm not at risk of getting fired, I stress out about it so much. I feel like I'm back at school being taken in to the head teacher's office. I know, rationally, that is not the case. I am told and assured that the banana managers and my banana colleagues understand what is going on, and that I am not in trouble in any way, but still that anxiety is there. I guess that's irrational thinking for you.
The other thing is sick days. At the moment attacks/episodes seem to be about one a week to one a fortnight (also remember how I said I was about due? I had one - thankfully I could just flop under the duvet and attempt to sleep it off), so one day off leads to a day without pay, it leads to a return to work meeting, and it leads to added stress. I know I need to take a sick day because there is no way I'm capable of working, but doing so adds in an extra factor of worry. In order to combat this, I think I'll just have to budget accordingly if I do end up with a sick day, and as I only need one day to recover, tell myself that it is just one day. Having just over a week off is incredibly helpful for me to get my head around having days off, but Statutory Sick Pay is £94 a week before tax, so perhaps maybe having one day isn't as bad after all? Well, it's bad for the people I work with as they're a person down, but it's better than me being sick on them, or the banana buyers.
One thing that really surprised me about having time off is the fact that I expected some resentment, but instead got a ton of support. My colleagues (you guys know who you are), have been wonderful in messaging me, offering listening ears and support, checking in on me and how I'm feeling and, in one case, sending me a little pampering package in the post. I have shed tears over how nice everyone has been and I really, really can't believe how lucky I am to have a job where I've got these amazing people around me looking after me so well. The management team have been amazing too - everything from making themselves available for me to talk to them (even though I was shaking when I handed in my sign off form from the GP), sending me over to pharmacy when I was concerned about my hair to ensure that I started getting care right away, assuaging my fears during return to work meetings - all in all, I can't really ask for a better team to work with.
I'm due back to work next week. I have some trepidation about going back, but I'm hoping that I'll feel refreshed and able to get back in to it. I am concerned that I'll let life get on top of me again and I'll end up a sad mopey mess a second time, but I do have my depression and anxiety appointment the day before so hopefully they'll give me some pointers. Fingers crossed all will be okay and I can get back to selling bananas with a bit more happiness than I have been.
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